Why Do I Shut Down, Get Defensive, or Feel Overwhelmed in Difficult Conversations?
Why Do I Shut Down, Get Defensive, or Feel Overwhelmed in Difficult Conversations?
If you find you shut down in difficult conversations, or become defensive, or feel overwhelmed during conflict in close relationships but don’t know why it happens, this article explores how attachment patterns and nervous system activation shape automatic reactions in emotionally significant conversations – and why those responses can occur before you have time to think.
When You Shut Down or Get Defensive in Close Relationships
You may recognise this pattern. In most areas of your life, you are measured, thoughtful, and capable. You manage responsibility well and are not someone who routinely loses control.
The difficulty tends not to arise everywhere. It arises most clearly in close relationships. In conversations with a partner, someone you care about, or a person whose opinion matters, your reactions shift. You might go quiet and struggle to access what you want to say, feel a sudden urge to defend yourself, notice your tone become harsh, or feel internally overwhelmed and lose clarity.
Afterwards, you might be able to see exactly what happened. You may even be able to replay the conversation with precision. But in the moment itself, the reaction feels faster than your thinking.
This often happens when vulnerability and emotional significance have increased the stakes of the interaction.
Why We Shut Down in Difficult Conversations
In therapy, this experience is usually described in practical terms:
-
“I lose track of what I actually want to say.”
-
“I can’t think clearly once conflict starts.”
-
“I become sharper than I intend to.”
-
“I shut down and just want the conversation to end.”
-
“I understand my patterns – but I still react.”
Some people recognise this most clearly during arguments in close relationships, where the stakes feel personal and historical attachment issues are activated. The frustration felt afterwards often comes from the mismatch between intention and behaviour. You may have wanted to stay present, measured, or open – yet something shifted before you could consciously adjust. Many people describe shutting down in difficult conversations even when they intended to stay calm and present.
What Happens When We Shut Down or Become Defensive
When a conversation begins to feel emotionally risky, the nervous system can register potential threat before conscious thought has organised a response. This is not usually obvious. It often involves subtle physiological shifts such as tightening in the chest or throat, a change in breathing, narrowing of attention, or a sudden drop in clarity. When you shut down in difficult conversations, the reaction often feels automatic rather than deliberate.
From there, protective responses unfold quickly. Most commonly:
-
Shutdown – reduced access to thoughts, needs, or words (sometimes described as a freeze response).
-
Defensiveness – rapid self-protection, sometimes through sharpness.
-
Emotional overwhelm – feelings escalating faster than expected.
These responses are learned adaptations. If earlier attachment relationships involved criticism, emotional unpredictability, high standards, or conditional approval, the nervous system may have become highly attuned to interpersonal threat. That sensitivity can persist long after circumstances have changed.
Why We Become Defensive in Close Relationships
Many people remain composed in professional disagreement yet feel destabilised in intimate relationships. Work provides structure, defined roles, and a degree of status protection. Expectations are clearer and boundaries are more formal. Close relationships are different. They involve being known more personally, depending on someone emotionally, expressing needs directly, tolerating disappointment or misunderstanding, and allowing yourself to be affected. In intimate relationships, there is less protection of role and more exposure of self. You are not operating behind professional identity or competence. You are operating within attachment. Intimacy and attachment are closely linked. When a relationship matters, the nervous system registers that significance. The more something matters, the more protection may activate.
Why Insight Does Not Stop Shutdown or Defensiveness
Gaining insight into your history or relational patterns can be useful. However, understanding alone does not automatically change what happens in the moment. Shutdown and defensiveness begin at the level of activation. By the time you consciously register what is happening, the response sequence is often already underway. You may find it helpful to read the related article on why therapy can increase understanding without changing reactions.
Is This Trauma?
The word trauma originates from the Ancient Greek word traûma, meaning “wound,” “piercing,” or “injury”. In psychotherapy, it can refer to repeated relational experiences in which emotional exposure felt unsafe, overwhelming, or chronically misattuned. The nervous system adapts to those conditions. It learns to anticipate relational threat. The body’s stress response is well-documented in medical research. Those adaptations may continue even when they are no longer required. If you are exploring trauma therapy online in the UK or Europe, these relational patterns are often central to what brings people to seek support.
How Deep Brain Reorienting Works With This Pattern
When reactions shift quickly in difficult conversations, the change usually begins before conscious thought. There is an early orienting response – a subtle shift in attention and physiology – that signals potential interpersonal threat. Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) is a trauma therapy that works specifically with that initial orienting phase. Rather than analysing the content of arguments or rehearsing communication strategies, DBR focuses on the early bodily and neurological responses that precede shutdown, defensiveness, or emotional overwhelm. In practice, this involves slowing down activation and tracking the first bodily signals of tension or threat, the direction of attention as it shifts, and the physiological changes that occur before emotion escalates. By working at this level, the nervous system can update its expectation of relational threat. The aim is not to eliminate conflict but to reduce automatic activation so that you remain present and deliberate when conversations become charged. Over time, people often notice greater stability during arguments, reduced defensiveness, clearer access to needs and boundaries, and quicker recovery after activation.
You can read more about Deep Brain Reorienting therapy on the main page.
When This Article May Be Relevant
This may resonate if you notice your reactions in relationships do not match your intentions, if conflict in close relationships feels more destabilising than it “should,” or if you sometimes feel articulate and grounded yet at other times reactive or numb. I work online with clients across the UK, Europe and internationally who experience these patterns in intimate relationships.
Common Questions About Shutting Down or Becoming Defensive in Relationships
Why do I shut down during arguments with someone I care about?
Shutdown is often a protective response. When the nervous system registers an interpersonal threat, it may reduce access to thoughts and feelings to limit exposure. This does not mean you do not care about the relationship. It usually means the attachment system is activated – and your nervous system is trying to help out.
Why do I get defensive in close relationships?
Defensiveness usually develops as a way of protecting dignity, safety, or attachment. If earlier experiences involved criticism or unpredictability, the nervous system may react quickly when similar dynamics are sensed.
Is this a freeze response?
For some people, yes. A freeze response is one form of shutdown. It involves reduced access to thoughts, words, or emotional clarity when activation rises.
Can trauma therapy actually change these reactions?
Yes. When therapy addresses early nervous system activation – rather than focusing only on communication strategies – it can reduce automatic escalation and increase stability during conflict.
A Closing Perspective
Shutting down, becoming defensive, or feeling overwhelmed in close relationships is usually evidence of a protective nervous system that developed in response to earlier attachment experiences.
The goal of therapy in this context is not to train better behaviour through effort. It is to reduce early activation so that vulnerability does not automatically trigger protection. As activation reduces, conversations feel less threatening and intimacy carries less implicit risk. If you consistently shut down in difficult conversations, it is worth understanding the attachment patterns behind it.
If you would like to explore whether this approach fits your situation, you are welcome to get in touch.
Get in touch
Are you interested in learning more? Contact me for further information and availability.
Share this article
Know someone who might benefit from this article? Share it by clicking the links below.
Why Therapy Might Not Have Worked (And What Might Help)
Why Therapy Might Not Have Worked (And What Might Help)
Some people come to therapy hoping something important will change, yet leave feeling they understand more without actually feeling different. That doesn’t necessarily mean therapy failed. Often it means the work didn’t reach the level where automatic protective patterns operate, or that timing, fit, or approach weren’t quite aligned yet. This article looks at why that can happen, and what often helps when deeper change is still possible.
When therapy hasn’t created the change you hoped for
Many people arrive at therapy quietly hoping something will change — and sometimes it does. But sometimes people leave therapy feeling it simply didn’t work in the way they hoped. You may understand yourself better. You may even have learned useful coping strategies. And yet something deeper still feels unresolved. If that sounds familiar, it doesn’t necessarily mean therapy “failed”, or that you’re resistant, or that something is wrong with you. More often, it simply means the work didn’t reach the level where the real patterns are operating. Sometimes this happens before therapy has really had the chance to work at depth. If you’re wondering whether what you’re experiencing fits this pattern, you may want to read this first: Successful but still feeling stuck?
Therapy can help — but not all therapy works in the same way
Some therapeutic approaches focus primarily on talking, analysing, or understanding patterns. This can be genuinely helpful. Many people gain clarity, language, and perspective from this kind of work. But clarity alone does not always change automatic emotional or physiological responses. You can understand perfectly well why you react a certain way… and still feel the reaction happening. You can know logically that a situation is safe… and still feel guarded internally. You can recognise relational patterns… and still feel pulled into them. When this happens, it isn’t because you didn’t try hard enough. It usually means the protective responses involved sit deeper than conscious thought.
When therapy didn’t work as expected (maybe it stays at the level of explanation)
If therapy didn’t work before, it often isn’t because you “did it wrong”. If therapy mostly involved:
- discussing events
- analysing childhood
- exploring beliefs
- talking through situations
then the work may have stayed mainly at the level of narrative understanding. Understanding your story matters. But many protective responses were never created through narrative thinking in the first place. They formed as immediate survival reactions in the nervous system – long before the mind could explain anything. Those responses don’t disappear just because we now understand them.
Timing matters more than people realise
Another reality that often goes unspoken is that therapy depends heavily on timing. At certain points in life, the system may simply not be ready to approach deeper material. External pressures, relationship situations, work stress, or emotional capacity can all influence how far the work can safely go. This isn’t “resistance” in the negative sense people sometimes fear. It’s often protection. The same person may find therapy reaches a very different depth years later, simply because the internal conditions are now different.
Therapist fit matters more than technique
People often assume the success of therapy depends mainly on the method being used. In practice, the relational fit between therapist and client usually matters far more. If you don’t feel fundamentally safe, understood, or able to be natural in the room, your system will stay guarded – often automatically and outside conscious control. This doesn’t mean the therapist was bad. It could just mean the fit wasn’t quite right for your system at that time.
When the relational environment feels genuinely steady and non-judging, the nervous system often allows access to layers that were previously unavailable. When therapy didn’t work previously, a different approach or relational fit can make a significant difference.
Some responses only shift when the body is included
Many people come to therapy already highly self-aware. They have read widely, reflected deeply, and can explain their own patterns clearly. Yet the internal tension, guardedness, emotional flatness, or relational difficulty still persists. That’s often because the responses involved are not primarily cognitive. They are physiological protective patterns. Approaches that work directly with how responses show up in real time — in the body, emotional activation, and relational space — can sometimes allow change to happen in a way that insight alone could not produce. This is one of the areas where methods such as Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) may be relevant, depending on the individual situation. You can read more here about why understanding something intellectually doesn’t always shift emotional responses in Why insight alone doesn’t create change.
Therapy doesn’t require you to be “good at emotions”
A common concern — especially among thoughtful, practical, or analytical people — is that therapy will lead to uncontrollable emotional expressivity, constant introspection, or intense focus on feelings at the expense of grounded practicality. That is generally not the aim. For many people, the real goal is simply:
- feeling less internally effortful
- being able to relax when nothing is wrong
- responding proportionally instead of automatically
- feeling more present in relationships
- experiencing life as less guarded
Externally, their life may look much the same. Internally, it often feels very different.
If therapy hasn’t helped before, it doesn’t mean it can’t help now
People sometimes conclude that because therapy didn’t create the shift they hoped for previously, it probably won’t in the future. But therapy is not one single thing. Different approaches work at different depths. Different therapists create very different relational environments. And people themselves change over time in ways that make deeper work possible later. If something still feels unresolved, it doesn’t necessarily mean you missed your chance. Often it simply means the right conditions haven’t aligned yet.
If you’re wondering whether things could feel easier
You don’t need to be in crisis to explore therapy. Many people reach out simply because life feels more effortful than it should, or because something internally hasn’t shifted despite genuine attempts to address it. If you’re curious whether this kind of work might be relevant for you, you’re welcome to get in touch and we can discuss it. You don’t need to be certain. Many people begin by simply asking whether what they’re experiencing fits the kind of work I do.
Get in touch
Are you interested in learning more? Contact me for further information and availability.
Share this article
Know someone who might benefit from this article? Share it by clicking the links below.
Emotionally Stuck Despite Therapy? Why Insight Alone Doesn’t Change Automatic Reactions
Emotionally Stuck Despite Therapy? Why Insight Alone Doesn’t Change Automatic Reactions
Some people come to therapy already understanding their patterns, yet still feel emotionally stuck despite therapy. They can explain what’s happening logically, but the same automatic reactions continue. This article explains why insight often arrives after the nervous system has already activated, why overthinking can intensify the loop, and how change usually begins earlier than most people realise.
Why insight alone doesn’t change automatic reactions
Many people arrive in therapy already understanding their patterns. They can describe the history, recognise familiar triggers, and see the relational sequence playing out in real time. And yet, despite all that clarity, the same reactions still happen. If you recognise the experience of functioning well externally but still feeling stuck internally, I explored that pattern in more detail here. Some people describe it as feeling emotionally stuck despite therapy – not dramatically unwell, not in crisis, just unable to shift something that seems to sit underneath everything. That can lead to a quiet, persistent question: If I already understand what’s going on, why doesn’t that understanding create change? This applies equally to people who are new to therapy and to those who have already done some therapeutic work.
The missing piece is timing, not intelligence
Most insight happens after the nervous system has already moved. You notice the tension once it’s already in your chest, analyse the reaction once the emotion is already present, and understand what happened once the conversation has ended. But the part that decides whether the body mobilises, tightens, freezes, withdraws, or stays open to contact often happens earlier than conscious thought. The nervous system constantly scans for safety and threat. That scanning process is fast, largely automatic, and shaped by previous experience — especially relational experience. By the time you can “think about it”, the system may already be organising around protection. This is one reason insight can feel oddly powerless: it arrives too late to intercept the moment where the pattern begins.
Why reactions can feel “faster than you”
People often describe the experience in some version of this: “I know I’m safe, but my body doesn’t believe it.” “I can see what’s happening, but I can’t stop it.” “It’s like something switches on before I’ve decided anything.” Others notice a subtler version: they find themselves thinking about feelings rather than actually feeling them — monitoring, analysing, explaining, but not experiencing much shift. This isn’t a character flaw. It’s the system doing what it learned to do. If earlier life involved emotional absence, unpredictability, criticism, pressure to perform, or relational threat, the nervous system often becomes extremely efficient at orienting quickly and preparing for defence. Those protective pathways can become so well practised that they fire before you have time to choose a response.
Why “overthinking it” sometimes makes it worse
For analytical people, the instinctive response is to understand more. You try to map the pattern, identify the origin story, find the underlying belief, and reflect carefully. This can be useful — up to a point. But beyond that point, something paradoxical often happens: you become exceptionally skilled at explaining your reactions while the reactions themselves remain unchanged. Many people at this point quietly start wondering whether they are somehow “doing therapy wrong”. At that stage, more analysis can start to function like another layer of protection: a way of staying one step removed from activation, rather than meeting it at the level where it actually begins. That’s one reason people can feel emotionally stuck despite therapy — especially if previous work stayed mainly in narrative and understanding, without much contact with the earliest physiological moments of activation.
“I’m on edge even when nothing is wrong”
Another common experience is a background readiness that never quite switches off. You might be functioning well, even enjoying life, and still notice that the body holds a low-grade tension. Some people describe it as being on edge even when nothing is wrong. This is not necessarily “anxiety” in the way people mean it socially. Often it’s a nervous system that learned to stay prepared — scanning, anticipating, managing risk — because at some earlier point, that preparation mattered. The system can keep doing it long after the environment has changed. And because it’s automatic, it doesn’t respond well to being told to relax.
Where change usually begins
If the pattern starts before conscious thought, change usually has to begin before conscious thought is doing most of the work. That means paying attention to earlier signals, such as: the first subtle shift in attention; the initial orienting movement in the body; the earliest sense of “something’s off”; the moment the system prepares for protection. These early stages are often quiet and easy to miss. But they are also the point where the pattern is most flexible. When therapy can meet the system there — carefully, slowly, with enough stability — people often find they don’t need to control the reaction afterwards. The system begins to organise differently in the first place. For some clients, trauma-focused approaches such as Deep Brain Reorienting therapy help by working directly with early orienting responses in the nervous system.
What this tends to feel like in real life
When these earlier responses begin to shift, the change is often not dramatic. People don’t usually report a sudden “breakthrough” moment. More commonly, they notice things like: conversations feel less internally effortful; misunderstandings resolve more cleanly; the body settles more quickly after stress; the urge to self-monitor reduces; intimacy feels simpler, less managed. It can feel as though the system no longer needs to work as hard. That’s often the most accurate sign that change is happening at the level where the pattern begins.
If you recognise yourself here and feel emotionally stuck despite therapy
Still feel emotionally stuck despite therapy? It doesn’t mean you’re resistant, unmotivated, or doing therapy “wrong”. Often, it simply means the work needs to meet the system at the point where it initiates protection, not only where you can make sense of it afterwards. For many people, the real shift isn’t suddenly understanding something new. It’s noticing that situations which once required constant internal effort begin to feel easier, without needing to analyse them in the same way. Many of the people I work with are high-functioning professionals who already understand their patterns but want their reactions to change. If you’re feeling something hasn’t shifted underneath despite therapy, this kind of work may be relevant. You’re welcome to get in touch, and we can discuss it.
Get in touch
Are you interested in learning more? Contact me for further information and availability.
Share this article
Know someone who might benefit from this article? Share it by clicking the links below.
Successful but unhappy? When life works on paper but something feels stuck
Successful but unhappy? When life works on paper but something feels stuck
Some people function well externally — stable work, relationships, responsibilities handled — yet still experience a persistent sense that something feels stuck. Life may feel slightly effortful, emotionally muted, or constantly managed internally, even when nothing is obviously ‘wrong’.
This article explores why high-functioning people can feel internally stuck despite understanding themselves well, and why the issue is often less about insight and more about automatic protective responses that continue running in the background.
Successful, rational, functioning — so why do I still feel stuck?
From the outside, your life works well.
- You manage responsibilities efficiently.
- You make sensible decisions.
- You cope with pressure.
- Other people describe you as capable and reliable.
Nothing is obviously falling apart. Often, there isn’t a clear problem to point to. And yet something doesn’t feel right. You may notice a background level of tension that never fully switches off. Or a sense that life is slightly effortful even when things are objectively fine. Sometimes people describe feeling as though they are managing themselves carefully all the time – applying constant effortful thinking, just to keep everything steady internally. They might be experts in negotiations at work, but might not communicate their emotions in intimate relationships. But due to their practical, analytical skills, they make it work. This can lead to the question;
If everything is basically fine, why doesn’t it actually feel fine?
When coping well becomes automatic
Many people who function strongly as adults learned early on how to stay composed, think clearly, and handle situations practically. These abilities are strengths. They often lead to stable careers, dependable relationships, and the ability to cope in demanding environments. But the same adaptations that make someone effective externally can sometimes mean that internal strain continues unnoticed for a long time. If you are used to solving problems through analysis and effort, it’s natural to approach your own internal world in the same way: understand it, explain it, manage it. The difficulty is that some parts of our system don’t respond to understanding alone. For instance;
- You can know why you react a certain way in relationships, yet still feel the reaction happening.
- You can recognise logically that you’re safe, and still feel on high alert.
- You can explain your emotional patterns clearly, yet still feel oddly disconnected from them.
When this happens, the issue is not lack of intellectual understanding, though that might help. Rather, something deeper is at work. And it’s almost certainly trying to protect you!
What you might notice going on (but maybe won’t share with others)
Clients in this position often describe experiences such as:
- they feel slightly tense most of the time, even when nothing is wrong
- they think about emotions more than actually feeling them
- life feels flatter than it “should”, but not dramatically bad
- they handle situations externally, whilst it feels like a strain internally.
- they have already done a lot of thinking, reading, or previous therapy without a full shift
None of this means something is broken. But it often means the system is still operating as though certain threats are present, even when they are no longer there. And that isn’t something willpower or self-understanding alone can switch off.
Why understanding things intellectually doesn’t always create change
Intellectual insight works at the level of conscious thought. Many of the patterns that keep people feeling guarded, tense, emotionally muted, or constantly needing to manage themselves internally operate at a different level – in automatic nervous-system responses formed earlier that still run in the background. These responses are not personality traits, although they may feel like ‘who you are’. Simply put, they are protective reflexes. And reflexes don’t change simply because we understand them. I’ve written more about why insight alone often doesn’t shift these automatic reactions here.
You can’t reason a reflex out of existence.
What usually helps instead is working directly with how those responses show up in real time – in the body, in emotional activation, in relational moments, and in the immediate experience of being with another person. This is something that approaches such as Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) are specifically designed to do. When underlying responses begin to shift, people often notice that the effort they were constantly applying internally simply isn’t required in the same way. It might feel like something quietly releasing.
This isn’t necessarily about becoming a different kind of person
Some people hesitate to seek therapy because they assume it will involve being pushed to become more emotionally expressive, more dramatic, or constantly focused on feelings. That usually isn’t what this work is about. For many high-functioning people, the goal is far more straightforward:
- being able to relax when nothing is wrong
- reacting proportionally rather than automatically
- feeling present in relationships instead of managing them
- experiencing life as less internally effortful
Externally, their life may look much the same. Although internally it might feel very different, and those closest to them might notice positive shifts in demeanour, and how they relate with themselves and others.
If you recognise yourself here
If this description feels familiar, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is seriously wrong. Often, it simply means that strategies that once genuinely protected you still run today. A bit like a computer program that needs an update! Therapy in this situation does not have to mean fixing a huge crisis. Often it’s simply about helping the current system to update, allowing greater efficiency and an easier workload, so that you no longer need constant effortful thinking and self-management. If you’re wondering whether this kind of work might be relevant for you, you’re welcome to get in touch, and we can discuss it. You don’t need to be certain that therapy is the right step to get in touch. Many people start by simply asking whether what they’re experiencing fits the kind of work I do.
Get in touch
Are you interested in learning more? Contact me for further information and availability.
Share this article
Know someone who might benefit from this article? Share it by clicking the links below.
Psychotherapy for People Driven by Logic: How to Trust Your Emotions
Psychotherapy for People Driven by Logic: How to Trust Your Emotions
Key Points
-
People driven by logic are often high performers who achieve success through data and reason but may struggle with emotional interactions. They are seen as rational decision-makers and are frequently in leadership roles.
-
Logic-driven people seek clarity. They may trust using ‘head over heart,’ however, neuroscience shows emotions influence even logical decisions.
-
Many people driven by logic lack conscious access to their emotions, meaning they are not receiving the full range of available data.
-
Research shows that emotional disconnect, rooted in early life experience, can lead to relationship challenges and recurring behaviours.
-
Research also shows that disconnects can be repaired. Psychotherapy can help us connect and empathise with our emotions, which fosters the ability to connect more authentically with others. This leads to better relationships and improved overall well-being.
People driven by logic excel in using data and reason to navigate various aspects of life, often achieving remarkable success in business, career, or academia. Frequently they are leaders, and may pride themselves on using their ‘head, not their hearts.’ However, they might also struggle to understand what went wrong in close relationships, sometimes with seemingly ‘overly emotional’ people, or they might engage in patterns of behaviour that bring them little happiness.
Despite sometimes appearing non-emotional, avoidant, or even angry or dismissive, the decisions and behaviours of even the most logic-driven people are still influenced by emotion. Recent studies in affective neuroscience suggest that emotions play a role even in logical decisions. Emotions help us judge and place value on facts, integrating with our decision-making processes, whether we are aware of them or not.
However, people driven by logic do not always have conscious access to these feelings and emotions, making them unaware of the full reasoning behind their behaviour and decisions. Consequently, this can hinder their ability to connect deeply and consistently with others, leading to challenges in relationships and recurring behaviour patterns that feel insurmountable.
Psychotherapy is one modality that can offer logic-driven individuals a unique opportunity to explore and integrate their emotional landscape. By gaining a deeper understanding of their emotions, they can improve their relationships, experience personal growth, and enhance their overall well-being and effectiveness.
How then, might a person driven by logic approach such a journey?
Understanding The Hidden Struggles of High Performers
Step 1: Recognize Patterns
If you find yourself relying heavily on data and logic to navigate life, it’s possible that your deeper, unspoken needs and wishes have become dissociated, leading to a pattern of strained or broken relationships, or dissatisfying lifestyle patterns that seemingly repeat. Moreover, logic-driven individuals are often highly driven, high-functioning people, successful in careers, business, and academia. This might mask the fact they frequently struggle to access their full range of feelings and emotions.
Action: Take some time to reflect on your upbringing and personal history. We learn our first lessons from our parents, and it can take time to understand as adults how subtle or implicit some of those lessons were. Consider whether your emotions were shut down by your parents, or whether your parents modeled behavior that prioritised logic. Acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward understanding your emotional landscape. Bear in mind that this is a process and is much easier to do with a professional.
Psychotherapy for High Performers: Embarking on the Journey
Step 2: Prepare for Therapy
Entering the world of psychotherapy can feel like stepping into the unknown, especially for logic-driven high performers. It’s natural to feel unsettled or even scared. For someone accustomed to structured meetings with a clear focus, a one-on-one conversation centred on emotions and feelings might seem daunting or even impossible. However, logic can be an invaluable tool in this context. By using logical thinking, we can ask important questions and navigate the process more effectively. A skilled therapist can provide direction and ensure that logic is welcomed into the conversation. Continuously referring back to logical reasoning can help keep the process grounded and manageable.
Action: Approach therapy as you would any new journey. Start by orienting yourself: Where are you now emotionally? Where do you want to go? How will you get there? Think of therapy like mountain climbing—first, find a trustworthy guide. A good guide will help you stay anchored and encourage you to travel at a comfortable, safe pace. Remember, it’s important to pause and reflect on your progress regularly with your guide. This should be enjoyable—like taking in a wonderful view from a safe spot on the side of a mountain with a warm drink in hand! Lastly, ensure you feel comfortable giving honest feedback to your guide, and be honest with them if you don’t. Building a trusting relationship with them is key to your therapeutic journey.
Applying Science To Healing: A Modern Perspective
Step 3: Explore Research-Backed Modalities
Recent research in neuroscience and psychology has provided new insights into human experience and consciousness. It has been shown that adverse childhood experiences disconnect us from ourselves and can make empathy and relationship-forming difficult. Research has shown that techniques such as mindfulness, yoga, and psychedelics can effect positive change.
Action: Educate yourself on different therapeutic modalities. Consider trying practices like mindfulness, meditation, and yoga. In some countries, it’s possible to find legal psychedelic therapy or psychedelic exploration under professional guidance. Do diligent research about which modalities are suited to you. Check accreditations or references for individuals or organisations. Understanding different options can help you find the right fit for your healing journey.
Building Bridges: From Logic to Emotion
Step 4: Use Science-Based Resources
Modern psychotherapies leverage contemporary research to support the healing process. Facts, evidence, and body-based resources can help soothe and stabilise unsettled nervous systems, making it easier for strategic thinkers to connect with their emotions safely.
Action: Consider seeking a therapist trained in body-based psychotherapy practices such as Sensorimotor Psychotherapy or Deep Brain Reorienting. ‘Feelings’ can often be located in the body, therefore using the body as a source of information can give you a direct, experiential insight into what is happening beneath the surface. In short, it can help you safely build an effective bridge between your logical mind and your hidden emotional life. In summary, bringing your mind and body together can help you get a deeper, clearer understanding of your experience, helping you make sense of difficult relationships or patterns.
Embracing Your Unique Healing Journey
Step 5: Stay Open and Curious
Every human psyche is unique, and the healing journey is deeply personal. Although psychology can teach us about different patterns in people, and we may observe some of those patterns in ourselves, everything is in flux and neither our brains nor our bodies are in a fixed state. Therefore, with the right support, patience, self care, and willingness to put the work in, most people can evolve and effect change.
Action: Approach your therapy with curiosity and openness. Most importantly, remember that the steps or the process is not linear. We may need to repeat, try again, or try something different! Recognise that the discoveries you make about yourself—whether pleasant or challenging—can be valuable. Use these insights to nourish your ongoing journey toward self-transformation.
Igniting Transformation: The Power of Connection
Step 6: Reconnect with Yourself and Others
We were born to connect. Our ability to connect is a vital part of our humanity. Science tells us that life experiences can sometimes diminish this natural ability, even affecting the structure of our brains. Nevertheless, science also reveals that our brains possess the quality of neuroplasticity, meaning we can create new connections, both neurally and interpersonally.
Action: Focus on establishing meaningful connections with yourself and others. Therapy can help reignite this innate ability within you, enabling you to develop a more positive relationship with yourself. As you do so, you may find it easier to connect with others on a deeper, more authentic level. Remember the mountain climbing metaphor: it’s important to take a paced approach, stay anchored, use a good guide, and enjoy the new views and a wider perspective.
With growing societal support for mental health, now is the perfect time to embark on your path toward healing, transformation, and growth.
Get in touch
Are you interested in learning more? Contact me for further information and availability.
Share this article
Know someone who might benefit from this article? Share it by clicking the links below.
San Quentin Prison: Trauma, Healing & Redemption
San Quentin Prison: Trauma, Healing & Redemption
James Fox was wolf-whistled by the inmates the first time he carried yoga mats through San Quentin prison yard. They saw yoga as exercise for girls. Fourteen years later and things are very different. When James led us through the cold steel entrance of the prison into the sunny exercise yard, we were met with smiles, fist bumps and introductions. We could hear James’ name being called from all directions.
My first experience in the prison building was witnessing fellow guest Josefin taking hefty, tattooed prisoners through a wild, theatrical Bollywood dance routine. Josefin combines trauma-sensitive yoga with trauma-discharging dance. Her immense, compassionate energy filled the room. She made it feel safe to explore. The inmates left calm, focused and grateful.
At the time of such trauma, the central nervous system buffers overwhelming pain. It shuts down parts of the brain involved in connection, emotion and feeling. This leaves the body feeling disconnected, or dissociated from the painful event. The individual may experience their body as a stranger or an enemy. The body however still holds the trauma.
Consequently, unresolved feelings such as fear, lack of self-worth and chronic self-blame develop into anxiety, depression, addictions and other mental health concerns. The result can be violent, chaotic and unpredictable behaviour.
Trauma has affected everyone in some way. For instance a relationship break up can trigger our early childhood wounds. When this happens, our unconscious mind wants to escape from pain. It tries different tactics to protect our vulnerability. We might self-soothe with ice cream, or seek solace in work, sex, drugs or alcohol. Obviously, this defense response can cause harm to ourselves and others.
However for some, the extreme nature of their trauma results in equally extreme outcomes.
Impressively, such mindfulness-based work is evidence-based. In the last two decades neuroscientists have proven that the brain can be retrained through yoga and meditation. Recently the Swedish prison system completed the largest ever Randomised Controlled Trial of yoga in correctional settings. The results concluded that yoga practice can play an important part in the rehabilitation of prison inmates.
Most men will enter prison believing masculinity means withstanding pain. PYP teachers respond to this by using the body as a metaphor: if you push it too hard, it breaks. Of course, this holds relevance to anyone who has experienced self-punishing behaviour.
Most importantly, a mindfulness-based practice explores the edges between comfort/discomfort and effort/non-effort. It provides a useful exercise in empathy, self-compassion and self-control. By repeating such practices, inmates become more sensitive. They see how much pain they have routinely caused themselves and others. They see how trauma has impacted on their behaviour.
“I have been hurt, and so I hurt others.”
Naturally, it requires strength and bravery to admit vulnerability, especially in a prison environment. It usually takes multiple personal catastrophes before an individual is ready to address their trauma, and hence PYP teachers provide important support. This is equally true for those of us making changes on the outside of prison, where we might feel supported by mindfulness, yoga and/or psychotherapy.
James took us to a different part of the prison after each yoga class. We met the newspaper team at the San Quentin News. In 2012 they were handing out newsletters within the facility. They have now grown to distributing quality newspapers to 69 prisons across the USA. We were interviewed by the award-winning prison radio station. We found both prisoner-run departments focus heavily on issues such as victim support and offender education programmes.
During these meetings I discovered I’d practiced yoga next to men who are giants in every sense. Men who are warm, compassionate, kind and charismatic. These men had received the support to achieve deep personal self-insight. In turn, they use their healing and growth to help others. Their self-compassion has led to compassion for others.
The men I met are leaders; they have achieved success against the odds and are driven to inspire others by example. It felt sad and unjust to think some might never get out.
It was raining as we tried to leave. We were unexpectedly held between locked gates at the prison exit. It was dark and there was only a tiny glimmer of natural light visible at the top of the gate. Everything went quiet. I could smell the damp stone and old metal. We waited and waited. I felt the pit of my stomach experience powerlessness, frustration, and uncertainty. I got a very small taste of what it’s like to live there. It felt like San Quentin prison was giving us a parting gift. A final lesson.
The gates opened and I felt a surge of relief to be outside again.
Thank you to Josefin Wikstrøm, James Fox, and the men and staff of San Quentin prison for making this experience possible.
This post is dedicated to the memory of Arnulfo Garcia, former editor-in-chief of the San Quentin News, and one of the fine men who inspired this article. Tragically Arnulfo was killed in a car accident two months after being released, at the age of 65.